A fabricated newspaper story

written for the post ‘I fear cats.’


Vindictive cats eat gringo in Punta Arenas

Seven savage cats devoured an American youth living in Punta Arenas while he slept in his bed on Sunday night, in retaliation for an apparent “act of disrespect.”

The leader of the murderous cats, Voldemort, was the last to be captured. He was finally detained after intense fighting with local police Tuesday afternoon.

“We aren’t sorry for what we’ve done,” say the cats, who were apprehended by local law enforcement early Tuesday morning.

“He took us from the kitchen and banished us to the living room while he was cooking trout; the smell was fantastic, and we were very hungry; but still, we were on the other side of the door!” explained Voldemort, the leader of the wicked group of bad kitties. “How unjust! That obviously is an unpardonable action, an action which must be punished! So we killed the gringo.”

Voldemort, who was the last to be captured, has a criminal record. In 2001, he was sentenced to five years in prison for drug trafficking. He was arrested by the PDI (Interior Police of Chile) entering the country carrying more than a thousand kilos of catnip.

Patrick Joseph Falterman, victim

The victim’s name was Patrick Joseph Falterman; he was only 21, and worked as an English teacher at a local language institute. The only parts of his body paramedics found intact were three fingers in a pool of blood and an eyeball that was stuck to the ceiling.

The crime was discovered quickly thanks to a neighbour, who called the police after hearing a strange noise.

“It was so horrible! It was like the scream of the devil!” said the 73-year-old woman. “I always knew cats were evil, but I never thought the King of the Wicked [Voldemort] would be my neighbour!”

The police dogs never rest...especially when there are devil cats about.

The suspects are currently awaiting justice at the local police centre in Punta Arenas. The seven are being held under charges  of homocide without bail in well-secured rooms. According to the Chief of the Carabineros in Punta Arenas, they are being guarded by twenty of the best canine officers in Chile, recruited from the famous K-9 Unit. As of yet, no court date has been set.


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